Raising a Gentleman in the Hood

I come from San Diego California, Mexican heritage, now living in Cologne Germany. I grew up around, hung out with, and was raised by a fatherless generation. I have seen firsthand the lack of direction one inherits, when papa is nowhere to be found. Is it more apparent in minority settings? Absolutely! But living in Germany I can tell you firsthand that this pandemic is seen and lived in all corners of the world.

I feel confident touching on this theme because 1. I am familiar with the topic and 2. I see the severity in the necessity to uncover this subtle despair we are all to a certain extent experiencing on this earth.

“Children usually look to their fathers to lay down the rules and enforce them. They also look to their fathers to provide a feeling of security, both physical and emotional” reads one article. I would call these basic principles for a proper and healthy development. Of course, that’s not all the “basics” consist of. But we also have to be aware of the fact that the relationship between child and Father sets the bar for our relationships with others as well as the relationship we will have with ourselves. A father who is involved instills in his children a sense of worth and a reason to strive. He is a beacon of light, a guide and an example. A source for learning and getting information on how things work in this world.

So what are the results of having no positive male role model or father figure in our lives? It is safe to say that by now in 2023 we are aware of the importance of responsibility and discipline. I understand these are also qualities one can attribute to the women in our lives but, the male figure is seen as the enforcer or disciplinarian. That’s why even when the male figure is present in the home but lacks presence, discipline, and instruction, the effect and outcome can be similar to the father figure not being present. It is clear we as humans need that sense of security and the feeling that we can rely on our caregivers, until we are able to provide that security for ourselves.

For me, one of the most touching scenes ever in any film or show was in a Fresh Prince of Bel-air episode where Will Smith’s father returns after many years of not showing up. They hit it off for awhile and they both decide to go on the road together since that was the father’s occupation as a truck driver. On the day of departure the father drops the news that Will won’t be able to make this trip due to certain circumstances and Will plays it off as if he was ok with it. As soon as his father leaves the room, Will begins to express his feelings of anger and disappointment to his uncle who witnessed everything. Will yelled and shouted trying to prove that this scene didn’t faze him and that he didn’t care. And then. He broke, with such a powerful question that many fatherless children are asking themselves today “How come he don’t want me man?”

A quick disclaimer: My dad was around. Not always in the best mood, but he was there. He fed us, picked us up from school, and taught us life’s lessons. He showed responsibility, and even to this day, he is still someone I can call to for advice. Which is the only evidence I need to prove the importance of a positive father figure.

I mean who do you ask if you have a question, an uncertainty, if something doesn’t go to plan? How do you learn to shake a hand or know to offer your seat to an elderly person if there isn’t a somebody there to show you the importance of these qualities?

It breaks my heart to know that there are children out there asking “where’s my dad?”, needing someone to play catch with, someone to teach them how to respect themselves and their bodies, teaching them the importance of please and thank you’s.

I think my dad’s favorite thing to say to me as a child was “So that when tomorrow comes, you wont have the excuse to say that nobody told you.” Now I know what he meant. Because now at 38 I realize he did tell me. He did give me a heads up on how things might be. And what a help his guidance has been.

So, now I go back to the question of “what are the results of not having a positive male role model in the home?” my response is simple but vague, lack of direction, which in turn creates a lot of wasted time. Wasted time looking for answers, making unnecessary mistakes because we thought the reward was going to be worth the effort, looking for validation in people who frankly didn’t matter much in the greater scheme of things. Adjusting our standards to people who didn’t have any standards. Adjusting our quality of life to fit with others’ who have never given any thought as to what quality of life even means. But, without guidance, parental love, how could we know any better? Who is telling us to read the books and raise our standards? Who is telling us to be educated and teaching us how to make better decisions?

Unless we the fathers start stepping up to our divine responsibilities and start taking charge of raising wonderful beings on this earth, the decline of human understanding of self will grow so rapidly that nothing will stand in its way of destruction. Sounds dramatic. It is!

#Raisingagentlemaninthehood #father #mentor